shame on shame
If there is one thing that can block you from being the best mom (or human, in general) you can be, it is shame. If you have never experienced shame on your motherhood journey, consider yourself fortunate! This post may not be for you.
For those of you that may have started your journey under less than "normal" circumstances, you're not alone. Not only did I start this motherhood drowning in shame, the shame continued (and even worsened) through the birth of my fifth baby.
I got pregnant with my first baby when I was just 18 years old. I grew up very conservative and attended a church and school that not only frowned on pre-marital sex, but discouraged dating altogether. So when I found out I was pregnant, I was mortified. I won't go into all of the events that took place throughout my pregnancy and early motherhood, but I will say that I did everything I could to somehow avoid being categorized as a stereotypical teenage mom. The shame I felt ruined pretty much all of my friendships. A few years later, I thought the shame would disappear when I married my baby's daddy. It didn't.
Soon after, I had baby #2, then #3 and #4. Life was miserable. I loved my babies, but the marriage was nothing like I imagined it would be. I was living with shame, he was living with shame, and we were completely isolated from everyone. Before I even knew it, I was pregnant again...baby # 5 was on the way. Within a few weeks of learning I was pregnant (yet again), my marriage imploded. I found myself living with family... single, 4 young children ages 8, 4, 2, and 14 months, and expecting another one. My kids and I all slept in one bedroom of my brother and sister-in-law's 3 bedroom house, while their 3 boys shared the other room. Not only was my life falling apart, I was imposing on their life...more shame.
A few months after that, my brother's old high school friend came to visit from Michigan. He had 3 kids, was divorced, and understood my situation. While we didn't know a lot about each other, we both knew that our kids were our main priority. He moved to TN, and within another 4 or 5 months we were married. In fact, we married just 4 days before my youngest baby was born. Yep, we married when I was 9 months pregnant and about to pop! Seems like that should be a happy ending to the shame I had been battling. But the truth is, it worsened.
Here I was, lying in the hospital room, trying to nurse my new baby, when one of the nurses came into the room to go over the information that will be put on the birth certificate. My husband was standing next to me, and the nurse asked about his info. That's when I had to tell someone out loud that the baby I just delivered was not my husband's. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with shame. It took several years for me to be able to tell that story without feeling like my heart was in my throat.
The reason I am sharing this here as one of my first blogs is for one reason; I never want any mom to live out as many years of their journey trapped in shame like I was. You are not your shame. Shame has the ability to rob you of creating the life you want. Your shame is based on your reality not matching up with your perceived ideal life. It has NOTHING to do with your ability to be the best mom your kids need.
A mom is a mom is a mom, regardless of how your journey started. Your kids don't care about your past, they only care about how you show up each day. If you are curious about how I was finally able to let go of the shame, send me a message. I'd love to connect!.
