A Moment in Time
We all have a moment. You know, that defining moment when your life has the potential to change forever. I believe that we are presented with these moments more than once…until we finally recognize one of them as the opportunity it is.
Personally, I can tell you that I have had three of these moments in my life, but it wasn’t until after the third one that I allowed the moment to transform me. Maybe I was too stubborn after the first moment. Maybe my pride was too bruised after the second. I don’t have the answer as to why it took the third moment to spark change, but all I know is that in that moment I knew I could not continue to ignore my potential.
Moment One: It is January of 1998, and I am 18 years old. I am sitting in the bathroom with the dim overhead light casting its yellowish haze around the tiny space. The only sound in that bathroom is the exhaust fan I switched on to try and drown out the overwhelming, shameful dialogue in my mind. I place the stick on the counter after drying it off with tissue paper. There is no timer set, but I am waiting impatiently as the results of the test take their time to appear. The first purple line is darkening. Almost instantly I can see the second purple line. I freeze. My thoughts vanish. For several minutes I am unable to move or form any sensical thoughts. My body begins to shake and I’m not sure if it's the temperature in the room or a reaction to the double lines I am staring at. My thoughts begin to unscramble and the first one that is clear is, “What are my parents going to think?”
Moment Two: My husband is a truck driver. When he gets home from a long delivery on May 28th of 2007, he does the same thing he does every night he is home. He drives a half mile down our country road to the little market and buys a few tall boys. I can practically predict the state of emotions he will go through on this night, because they are the same emotions he has cycled through every time he gets drunk since the day we married. Before he has even made it in the driveway from the store, the first can is more than half gone. As I greet him at the front door, I am hit with the stench of diesel fuel mixed with Natural Light. My own anxiety over how the night will go begins to escalate. I try to engage in normal conversation to keep things mild. But I know that isn’t going to help. The conversation leads to talks of his family in Florida. We haven’t seen them since we moved to Tennessee over a year ago. I let him know that the kids have been asking to see Nanny and Poppy, Sissy and TomTom. But that infuriates him. He reminds me that we are living in Tennessee because they did not respect our family’s wishes. I let him know that family is family, and the kids don’t understand why they can’t see them. Part of me knows this isn’t the “right” time to talk to him about this, but the other part of me is so angry that he lives in a state of drunkenness when he is home and I want to hurt him like he is hurting me. His rage begins to intensify. He screams loudly, and this isn’t the first time he tells me to take the kids and leave. I gather some clothes and necessities of the children, throw them in a laundry basket, and begin to pack up the minivan. Again. My hands are gripping the steering wheel so tight that sweat is causing them to slip. Although I have been in this very seat making this drive before, I tell myself for the first time ever, “This time, I’m not going back.”
Moment Three: It’s late January of 2021. I find myself sitting at an outdoor patio at a local restaurant in downtown Gainesville, FL. I am alone. It is well past dinnertime, and the night sky is black, however the lights on the patio are warm and comforting. I can’t remember a time in my life where I have ever gone to a restaurant by myself. However, this trip is all about self care. I have been a widow for just over a month at the hands of COVID. Tears are now a normal part of my attire. The amount of emotions I begin to identify are numerous: grief, sadness, anger, loneliness, emptiness, fear, anxiety, worry…and the list keeps going. I feel overwhelmed at the amount of feelings I am able to identify. But then I feel one begin to show up that I am not expecting. The realization of this feeling scares me. In fact, I know that I can’t even say this out loud to anyone because I will not be understood. The strongest emotion that was present for me in that moment was relief. I lower my face to my hands and quietly begin to sob.
It was after that third moment that I knew I could not continue to live life the same. Change on the outside did not happen instantly, but inwardly, I began a journey of healing and self discovery, finding God again and learning my purpose. Learning to understand the connection between thoughts and our happiness and satisfaction with life has been transformative!
Over the course of the next few years, I began to believe that all of the pieces of my life that I found shameful and ugly, they are all part of a greater purpose. I could have decided after Moment One to look for my purpose. Maybe there could have been a meaningful purpose if I had recognized it after Moment Two. I don’t know. But for me, it was after Moment Three that the most life-changing actions took place. It has taken a lot of work, and that work will continue as long as I live.
What is your moment? Have you identified it yet? If you are on this Earth, living and breathing, YOU HAVE A PURPOSE!! Don’t stop looking until you find it!
